I thought I’d Seen it All, then I saw Tapoo.
Posted in General
I’ve seen many a thing in my 26 years on this planet. I have been blessed with wonderful friends, who have introduced me to weird, wonderful and grotesque films from all corners of the globe. I have been in the company of drunk friends who do drunken things many a time. I have listened when friends (one in-particular) have recounted tales of wee, vomit, poo and bogies.
Out of all the things I’ve seen, heard, read or been part of, Freyja has taken the biscuit. She has been crowned queen of disgusting. By me. I just need to make a crown.
She’s always been a mucky kid. She will quite happily get her hands dirty and play in mud. She’ll eat absolutely anything and she has a weird obsession with dustbins.
But today, she excelled herself. Truly excelled herself. For the past few days, she’s been a bit weird when it comes to daytime naps. Some days, she’s slept. Some days she hasn’t. Some days she’s cried, and some days she’s just played quietly instead of sleeping. Today seemed to be a good day – she had a bit of a chatter to herself but soon settled. So I popped out to the shops. I came back to find James was having a nap too, but I could hear Freyja stomping around her cot doing something. James woke up (or more, I woke him up) and we went in to her.
What a sight to behold. Oh. My. God. First of all, I wondered where she had managed to get a brown crayon from. She was obviously feeling a bit artistic, so must have found one from somewhere. No. She hadn’t found a brown crayon.
What she had done, was remove her nappy. Then poo. Everywhere. Not even poo in the nappy, then take it off, then dig her hands in it. Not even that. She took the nappy off first. It was the only clean thing in her bed.
Her mattress, her sheets, her duvet – everything in the bed was covered. Her poor Christmas teddy bear had an ear full of it. The rails were smeared in it. The edges of the bed were covered. And no, not just that. Her wardrobe side. Covered. Her wall. Not just covered. It was like some sort of neanderthal cave painting. Except not with mud and plant extracts. We caught her in the act. Her fingers were covered, in the middle of doing her wall art. Yummy.
Not only was the wall, the bed, the wardrobe and the teddies were covered. There was clumps all over the floor like some oversized mouse had come along and shat everywhere. And not only that, but she was covered from head to toe. She’d obviously decided to do some body art and design some sort of poo tattoo. A tapoo. It’s my contribution to the English language.
It was in her hair. All up her legs. In between her toes. In her ears. I think she may have eaten some too. It was in her teeth.
When James ran her off to the shower to hose her down (I personally think a jet wash was more suitable, but the Karscher was in the shed), I set to work in the bedroom. I didn’t know where to start, so I just grabbed a bucket of water and chucked it at the wall, cleaned it all off, chucked another bucket of water over the wall and then Dettol’ed everything. I’ve never seen such a mess in my life.
And all she did during all this? Laugh and have a hyperactive half hour. Maybe poo is caffeinated and she was buzzing from the ingestion of it. Who knows.
On this splended article there has been 25 comments...
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Hannah (Saturday 8th January 2011 @ 07:01 pm) (Reply to this)
hahaha that’s an *amazing* idea. Freyja will hate me when she’s bigger, but yes, we took photos. Hmmm. Do I upload them or don’t i?!
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Kat (Thursday 13th January 2011 @ 11:01 am) (Reply to this)
Do it! But prob just on that website, as some friends may not want to see them on FB? lol
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Inside the Wendy House (Monday 24th January 2011 @ 03:01 pm) (Reply to this)
Second time I’ve read this…it doesn’t get old!! hehe…thanks for linking up at Toilet Tuesday!
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SAHMlovingit (Heather) (Monday 24th January 2011 @ 05:01 pm) (Reply to this)
Brilliant! I have a Freya poo story too – maybe I should like that one up :)
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Jenn (Wednesday 6th April 2011 @ 10:04 pm) (Reply to this)
Once again, I am thankful that my babes are anal-retentive neat freaks that despise messes (I still remember Boo holding up his pasta-sauce covered hands and howling for me to clean them – at about 10 months).
I do NOT envy you the cleaning job, and for that, yes, you should post the photo on shit my kids ruined.
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Hannah (Wednesday 6th April 2011 @ 11:04 pm) (Reply to this)
It was a vile vile job.
Annoying this is she did it again a fortnight later!
Brought paint off the walls that time!!
Not since though. Thank God!
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SAHMlovingit (Monday 18th April 2011 @ 08:04 pm) (Reply to this)
Ah, I know I’ve seen this a while back and commented but I’m so glad you linked it up to the Carnival of Poo. Can’t beat a second read :) x
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ella (Wednesday 27th April 2011 @ 10:04 pm) (Reply to this)
Brilliant! Although faced with a clean up job like that, I’d have been a quivering wreck I think…
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Laura (Monday 9th May 2011 @ 12:05 pm) (Reply to this)
I have no words …. just tears of laughter at your expense.
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Merry (Tuesday 31st May 2011 @ 10:05 am) (Reply to this)
ROFL – my eldest dd used to do exactly this. Eventually we discovered a bbygro that had a zip from ankle to neck and put her in that with a safety pin through the zip. Vile child!
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Beckickles (Tuesday 19th July 2011 @ 09:07 am) (Reply to this)
Hannah. I love this so much. How does it not get old? I just chuckled to myself as much as I did half a year ago. Amazing x
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YoungWelshMum (Saturday 17th September 2011 @ 05:09 pm) (Reply to this)
Haha, I remember those days with my eldest and dreading it happening again with my youngest – we all know it will though!
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Oh sounds awful to deal with. But is a funny story! Did you take any photos? You could upload them to http://www.shitmykidsruined.com/ haha :)